Larger than Life!

SFC Metro Manila Conference: One Heart

This is my second time na maka-attend sa MMC. This time, it was held at the Rogationist College sa Silang, Cavite. And ofcourse I am expecting to feel the same feeling I felt nung una ko yun ma-experience sa MMC Christ Pursuit sa Baguio last year. Sana lang.

I don't know what happened. From the time I arrived at the venue on Friday night until Saturday, I'm feeling......sad, I felt lonely, empty. Nothing in the MMC excites me. Neither the praisefest nor the sessions or the merchandises or the events or the workshops. I'm bored. No, I'm not used to it but.....there's something missing. At first iniisip ko, siguro dahil we have small numbers of delegates kaya ganun. I even blamed it to the venue na feeling ko kasi masyadong maliwanag at exposed sa labas kaya hindi ko masyado ma-feel yung activity. I know it's weird pero ganun eh.

At one moment of Saturday morning worship, I found out what's missing. Neither the venue nor our numbers aren't the reason why I'm feeling lonely and sad. It is me. I think I lost Him. Jesus. I cannot feel His presence anymore...and I don't know why.

Saturday morning, after the praisefest, I attended "Heart made to Worship" workshop. Not because I wanted to attend that workshop but because that's the last workshop that have available slots. Sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko, "hmm ok lang kesa walang ma-attenan." So ayun, kahit pano may mga natutunan din naman ako (haha, ang sama). But there's one part of the workshop that really strikes me. It's when Bro. Kirby Llaban give us a group activity where each will prophecy (to listen to God's word or message [doesn't necessarily mean you will hear the voice of God])  and tell it in the group. I closed my eyes and turned my heart to God. At the time some words poured my mind, then also I started sharing it with the group. I believe the Lord said, "Do not be tired my child. For when the times you cannot feel my presence. I assure you that I am there." It was as plain and as short as that. That confirmation from God gave me courage to strive more in service. But after hearing those words.....again....I lost Him. It's like He just answered the phone for a moment then suddenly hunged up.

At the end of session 3 is the Holy Hour. Up to that time I'm expecting God would again confirm to me that He's not giving me up. It could be a feeling, or an event, or words, or a sign, or an embrace, or a song, or an image....anything! But no. Nothing comes. I looked around me and I see people crying...praying. I know they're in His glory that time. But me....I'm lost. That time, I bowed my head, closed my eyes and uttered, "Bakit hindi kita maramdaman Lord?". I waited for a response....and there's nothing. I'm losing hope. As I opened my eyes and looked up, I saw Jesus' image in the screen... bigla ko nalang nasabi, "Lord....nami-miss na kita." And by then, I started to cry.

Truly, this MMC is far different from the Christ Pursuit. Based on my experience, the last year's MMC is full of fun and heartwarming. This time, it was more emotional and spiritually mature. I believe God had just put me into a test. He maybe want to know what I'm going to do when He made me feel He's not there. Maybe, He's just want to observe my thoughts and my action in those times. I realized...I'm so selfish. I keep asking myself what God could give me, or what else can I expect from Him, or "Is God giving me His best?" when the real question should be, "Am I giving God my best?".

At the end of this conference, I admit that I didn't enjoyed it that much. But this conference isn't about enjoyment. It's about renewal. A reminder. It's about realizations. Letting us know what God wants for us. Bringing us closer to God. And the message is loud and clear. When we feel we are lost, call Him and He, without doubt, will come to rescue. God's love for us is everlasting and extravagant. No sin is bigger than His loving heart. When we come to a point of not feeling us beside Him, believe that He's there. He confirmed it.

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

Never doubt His words. Because His words are eternal. And He is faithful. We just need to listen, to trust and to believe.